After hiding the letters, it had been time to make macaroni and cheese, and take Mama a plate she wasn't going to eat anyway. By the time she'd gotten the kitchen cleaned up and did her homework for school the next day, she'd almost forgotten about those old papers from last summer. Or at least she'd made herself believe that she had.
Except now it was the next morning and she couldn't stop thinking about them. All through the long bus ride to the new middle school, and the confusion of trying to find her homeroom and get her locker open, and she still couldn't seem to get those purple squiggles out of her mind. She was scared this was how things went for Mama. Maybe she saw one thing and she couldn't let that one thing go, no matter how hard she tried to , until the only thing that made it go away was sleep. Maybe she could swallow a whole rainbow of pills and it still wouldn't make that one little thing go away.
"Earth to Gracie, hellooo?"
It took her a second to realize someone was actually talking out loud to her.
"Wow, Anne, your hair got really long this summer."
Anne turned in a circle so Gracie could admire the blond hair touching halfway down her back. They had be best friends since elementary school, but Anne spent summers at her dad's house in California, so they hadn't seen each other in three months. A lot could change in three months.
"How was your Dad's?"
Anne started chattering, all about her stepmother, and how she couldn't stand her younger stepbrother, and how much fun she had at the beach. Anne was always full of news after these trips, so Gracie leaned back against her locker, knowing she wasn't going to be able to to say anything except "mmhmm" for a few minutes. It was actually refreshing, having Anne's voice fill her head instead of her own thoughts, and Gracie relaxed for the first time all day. She didn't even try to make sense of what she was hearing; instead just let all those syllables fill her up like a fizzy soda on a summer day. It was a minute before she realized Anne was watching her strangely.
"Gracie? Are you even listening? I said, can you believe she did that? And then I had to share a room with him while they replaced the carpets from the leak and he's such a dork. Ugh, I don't
know how you can stand having a little sister around you all the time," Anne clapped her hands over her mouth. "Oh God, I didn't mean that. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry, Gracie, really, I just forgot and.."
She tapered off, her face red from embarrassment.
"It's okay, Anne, really. You haven't been here all summer. It's no big deal, okay? So tell me some more about the beach--did you go a lot?"
But Anne suddenly remarked that she wasn't sure how to find her next class, and hurried off to look for it to avoid being late.
The summer soda fizzy feeling disappeared as she watched Anne's back hurry down the hallway. She was stuck in her own thoughts again, with Polaroids of Mama in bed, and purple crayon L's, and of course Layla. Always there were thoughts of Layla. She was carrying Layla around like her old backpack from last year and everyone knew it. That's when Gracie realized what sixth grade was really going to be like for her. It wouldn't matter what she said or did in school. She was always going to be known as the girl whose little sister drowned in Cooper's Pond over the summer.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Chapter 1
It was the first day of school and Gracie still couldn't get Mama out of bed.
"Come on, Mama, it's real pretty outside. Won't you just look?" Gracie pulled the curtains open, but Mama just rolled over and faced the wall.
"Okay, Mama, maybe tomorrow. I made you a sandwich and some sweet tea. It's next to your medicine on the table. I've gotta go to school now, but I'll be home real soon and then we can maybe look at some TV together, okay?"
There was no answer, but Gracie didn't expect one. It had been like this for weeks now, and all the medicines the new doctor kept giving her weren't making any difference. Gracie wondered if maybe Mama had gotten worse since she started taking all those pills, but she figured something had to start working soon. You didn't go to school to be a doctor for all those years and get so smart just to let people stay in bed all day. At least she hoped so.
Gracie gave Mama's room a quick glance to make sure she hadn't forgotten to leave anything for her. The pill bottles were lined up like spices next to the sandwich plate; the blue pill for sleep, the big pink ones and little white ones to make Mama smile again, and the perfect round yellow one that was stamped with a smiley face to help her stay calm. That was how the doctor explained it to Gracie, telling her by color instead of name, as if she were some kind of little kid who couldn't even read yet. It was almost time for Mama to go back to the clinic and get more pills. Gracie wasn't even sure she could get Mama out of bed to catch the county bus for her appointment. If nothing else, the yellow pills were working a little too well, not that the doctor ever asked for her opinion.
Gracie sighed and stood still, her eyes caught on the sunlight pouring through the tea pitcher. This had always been her favorite room; with the bright east light coming in the window in the morning and then filtering through the loblolly trees that shaded the western window as the day grew longer. It was a small room, with just a twin bed, the old, stained dresser, and a night table, but Mama had filled the dresser top with all these little picture frames. If you came in at just the right time, the light would ripple over the pictures and stream like water. It was like being inside a fish tank filled with faded reflections of who you used to be at one, or two, or three years old; missing teeth and crooked ponytails as you smiled back forever through the murkiness. Gracie remembered being lulled to sleep in that underwater room, with the smells of Mama prepping dinner in the background mingling with the smell of Sand and Sable perfume on the pillows. The longing to go back to that time was so unexpected and sudden that Gracie gasped and shook her head. She had to get out of that room before is sucked her down that dark pool where mama was. The last image Gracie had before she shut the door was of Mama's back, lying in the same position.
It was later than she thought, and Gracie had to hurry to get her own lunch together so she didn't miss the bus. Her backpack was sitting ready on the kitchen chair where she's put it before she went to bed. She'd had to use her old book bag from last year, but she didn't think anyone would notice. It had taken her awhile to find it and eventually she'd had to go into Layla's room, where she found it, way back under some stuffed animals in the closet. Layla was always taking Gracie's stuff, and it used to make her pretty mad, but last night she'd been in too much of a hurry to care. She was afraid Mama would wake up and find her in there. She'd tried to put the stuffed animals back exactly the way they were, but everything was so jumbled it was hard to remember what went where.
Oh well, Gracie had thought, it's not like Mama's really going to get out of bed to come in here anyway.
Except she knew that wasn't true, because sometimes when she got up at night to use the bathroom, Layla's light was on, leaking under her door, and she could hear Mama moving around in there.
I'm just gonna hope she stays out of the closet then.
The stuffed animals stared blankly at her as she quietly shut the closet door and crept out of the room. It wasn't until she had gotten past Mama's door to her own room that she began to feel better. And then she'd opened the backpack.
It was filled with all her old papers from the final day of fifth grade last year. Gracie could remember cleaning out her desk and cramming papers inside, in her hurry to catch that final bus ride to summer. Layla must have stolen her backpack soon afterwards, because she'd colored in purple crayon all over her papers, and written her name with her backwards L's and crooked triangle A's on a couple. Just looking at those letters made her jumpy, and she was torn between quick throwing them out or hiding them where Mama wouldn't find them. She wasn't sure how long she stood there, just looking at those bold L's and A's, before she hid them in a drawer under her old paper dolls.
all right guys, there's 3 pgs. be mean, make me cry, make it better. you can do it.
"Come on, Mama, it's real pretty outside. Won't you just look?" Gracie pulled the curtains open, but Mama just rolled over and faced the wall.
"Okay, Mama, maybe tomorrow. I made you a sandwich and some sweet tea. It's next to your medicine on the table. I've gotta go to school now, but I'll be home real soon and then we can maybe look at some TV together, okay?"
There was no answer, but Gracie didn't expect one. It had been like this for weeks now, and all the medicines the new doctor kept giving her weren't making any difference. Gracie wondered if maybe Mama had gotten worse since she started taking all those pills, but she figured something had to start working soon. You didn't go to school to be a doctor for all those years and get so smart just to let people stay in bed all day. At least she hoped so.
Gracie gave Mama's room a quick glance to make sure she hadn't forgotten to leave anything for her. The pill bottles were lined up like spices next to the sandwich plate; the blue pill for sleep, the big pink ones and little white ones to make Mama smile again, and the perfect round yellow one that was stamped with a smiley face to help her stay calm. That was how the doctor explained it to Gracie, telling her by color instead of name, as if she were some kind of little kid who couldn't even read yet. It was almost time for Mama to go back to the clinic and get more pills. Gracie wasn't even sure she could get Mama out of bed to catch the county bus for her appointment. If nothing else, the yellow pills were working a little too well, not that the doctor ever asked for her opinion.
Gracie sighed and stood still, her eyes caught on the sunlight pouring through the tea pitcher. This had always been her favorite room; with the bright east light coming in the window in the morning and then filtering through the loblolly trees that shaded the western window as the day grew longer. It was a small room, with just a twin bed, the old, stained dresser, and a night table, but Mama had filled the dresser top with all these little picture frames. If you came in at just the right time, the light would ripple over the pictures and stream like water. It was like being inside a fish tank filled with faded reflections of who you used to be at one, or two, or three years old; missing teeth and crooked ponytails as you smiled back forever through the murkiness. Gracie remembered being lulled to sleep in that underwater room, with the smells of Mama prepping dinner in the background mingling with the smell of Sand and Sable perfume on the pillows. The longing to go back to that time was so unexpected and sudden that Gracie gasped and shook her head. She had to get out of that room before is sucked her down that dark pool where mama was. The last image Gracie had before she shut the door was of Mama's back, lying in the same position.
It was later than she thought, and Gracie had to hurry to get her own lunch together so she didn't miss the bus. Her backpack was sitting ready on the kitchen chair where she's put it before she went to bed. She'd had to use her old book bag from last year, but she didn't think anyone would notice. It had taken her awhile to find it and eventually she'd had to go into Layla's room, where she found it, way back under some stuffed animals in the closet. Layla was always taking Gracie's stuff, and it used to make her pretty mad, but last night she'd been in too much of a hurry to care. She was afraid Mama would wake up and find her in there. She'd tried to put the stuffed animals back exactly the way they were, but everything was so jumbled it was hard to remember what went where.
Oh well, Gracie had thought, it's not like Mama's really going to get out of bed to come in here anyway.
Except she knew that wasn't true, because sometimes when she got up at night to use the bathroom, Layla's light was on, leaking under her door, and she could hear Mama moving around in there.
I'm just gonna hope she stays out of the closet then.
The stuffed animals stared blankly at her as she quietly shut the closet door and crept out of the room. It wasn't until she had gotten past Mama's door to her own room that she began to feel better. And then she'd opened the backpack.
It was filled with all her old papers from the final day of fifth grade last year. Gracie could remember cleaning out her desk and cramming papers inside, in her hurry to catch that final bus ride to summer. Layla must have stolen her backpack soon afterwards, because she'd colored in purple crayon all over her papers, and written her name with her backwards L's and crooked triangle A's on a couple. Just looking at those letters made her jumpy, and she was torn between quick throwing them out or hiding them where Mama wouldn't find them. She wasn't sure how long she stood there, just looking at those bold L's and A's, before she hid them in a drawer under her old paper dolls.
all right guys, there's 3 pgs. be mean, make me cry, make it better. you can do it.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Indian Summer
An old poem I pulled out for my little sister:
When we were walking (away, always away
and you too little to know it then but I did)
blackberry stained Keds, soles worn smooth
your two steps to my one.
Down the tracks, rotten wood ties and steal
traps gaping, hungry for our ankles so I
watched real careful your two steps
two steps to my one.
Behind us the house an open sore, windows oozong
shame and the smell of soft things gone bad
and we are running now.
Clover trains hanging round your neck
regal Queen Anne's lace in grubby fingers,
and always the wild vines, stretching, stalking, swallowing
your small shadow.
But you didn't know so you said
tellme tellme tellme a story
(All the better, all the better all the better
to smell you with)
I said, walk further and look out
for snakes, slithery, slimy, scale, scary snakes.
And you laughing, laughing teeth white
picket rows, no tooth fairy theiving
and your breath fresh.
Skipping now, the heat rippling off the tracks
Indian summer hot, your hair wet curls
dark against a neck too pale.
Still keeping up, sweet sweat smell following
your two steps to my one.
Tellme Tellme Tellme, you chanted
(All the better, all the better, all the beter
to eat you with)
And you didn't know any better
And I was the big sisiter, the chocolate milk maker.
the high shelf reacher, the teddy bear nurse.
So I told you a fairy tale.
When we were walking (away, always away
and you too little to know it then but I did)
blackberry stained Keds, soles worn smooth
your two steps to my one.
Down the tracks, rotten wood ties and steal
traps gaping, hungry for our ankles so I
watched real careful your two steps
two steps to my one.
Behind us the house an open sore, windows oozong
shame and the smell of soft things gone bad
and we are running now.
Clover trains hanging round your neck
regal Queen Anne's lace in grubby fingers,
and always the wild vines, stretching, stalking, swallowing
your small shadow.
But you didn't know so you said
tellme tellme tellme a story
(All the better, all the better all the better
to smell you with)
I said, walk further and look out
for snakes, slithery, slimy, scale, scary snakes.
And you laughing, laughing teeth white
picket rows, no tooth fairy theiving
and your breath fresh.
Skipping now, the heat rippling off the tracks
Indian summer hot, your hair wet curls
dark against a neck too pale.
Still keeping up, sweet sweat smell following
your two steps to my one.
Tellme Tellme Tellme, you chanted
(All the better, all the better, all the beter
to eat you with)
And you didn't know any better
And I was the big sisiter, the chocolate milk maker.
the high shelf reacher, the teddy bear nurse.
So I told you a fairy tale.
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