Chapter 1

It was the first day of school and Gracie still couldn't get Mama out of bed.

"Come on, Mama, it's real pretty outside. Won't you just look?" Gracie pulled the curtains open, but Mama just rolled over and faced the wall.

"Okay, Mama, maybe tomorrow. I made you a sandwich and some sweet tea. It's next to your medicine on the table. I've gotta go to school now, but I'll be home real soon and then we can maybe look at some TV together, okay?"

There was no answer, but Gracie didn't expect one. It had been like this for weeks now, and all the medicines the new doctor kept giving her weren't making any difference. Gracie wondered if maybe Mama had gotten worse since she started taking all those pills, but she figured something had to start working soon. You didn't go to school to be a doctor for all those years and get so smart just to let people stay in bed all day. At least she hoped so.

Gracie gave Mama's room a quick glance to make sure she hadn't forgotten to leave anything for her. The pill bottles were lined up like spices next to the sandwich plate; the blue pill for sleep, the big pink ones and little white ones to make Mama smile again, and the perfect round yellow one that was stamped with a smiley face to help her stay calm. That was how the doctor explained it to Gracie, telling her by color instead of name, as if she were some kind of little kid who couldn't even read yet. It was almost time for Mama to go back to the clinic and get more pills. Gracie wasn't even sure she could get Mama out of bed to catch the county bus for her appointment. If nothing else, the yellow pills were working a little too well, not that the doctor ever asked for her opinion.

Gracie sighed and stood still, her eyes caught on the sunlight pouring through the tea pitcher. This had always been her favorite room; with the bright east light coming in the window in the morning and then filtering through the loblolly trees that shaded the western window as the day grew longer. It was a small room, with just a twin bed, the old, stained dresser, and a night table, but Mama had filled the dresser top with all these little picture frames. If you came in at just the right time, the light would ripple over the pictures and stream like water. It was like being inside a fish tank filled with faded reflections of who you used to be at one, or two, or three years old; missing teeth and crooked ponytails as you smiled back forever through the murkiness. Gracie remembered being lulled to sleep in that underwater room, with the smells of Mama prepping dinner in the background mingling with the smell of Sand and Sable perfume on the pillows. The longing to go back to that time was so unexpected and sudden that Gracie gasped and shook her head. She had to get out of that room before is sucked her down that dark pool where mama was. The last image Gracie had before she shut the door was of Mama's back, lying in the same position.

It was later than she thought, and Gracie had to hurry to get her own lunch together so she didn't miss the bus. Her backpack was sitting ready on the kitchen chair where she's put it before she went to bed. She'd had to use her old book bag from last year, but she didn't think anyone would notice. It had taken her awhile to find it and eventually she'd had to go into Layla's room, where she found it, way back under some stuffed animals in the closet. Layla was always taking Gracie's stuff, and it used to make her pretty mad, but last night she'd been in too much of a hurry to care. She was afraid Mama would wake up and find her in there. She'd tried to put the stuffed animals back exactly the way they were, but everything was so jumbled it was hard to remember what went where.

Oh well, Gracie had thought, it's not like Mama's really going to get out of bed to come in here anyway.

Except she knew that wasn't true, because sometimes when she got up at night to use the bathroom, Layla's light was on, leaking under her door, and she could hear Mama moving around in there.

I'm just gonna hope she stays out of the closet then.

The stuffed animals stared blankly at her as she quietly shut the closet door and crept out of the room. It wasn't until she had gotten past Mama's door to her own room that she began to feel better. And then she'd opened the backpack.

It was filled with all her old papers from the final day of fifth grade last year. Gracie could remember cleaning out her desk and cramming papers inside, in her hurry to catch that final bus ride to summer. Layla must have stolen her backpack soon afterwards, because she'd colored in purple crayon all over her papers, and written her name with her backwards L's and crooked triangle A's on a couple. Just looking at those letters made her jumpy, and she was torn between quick throwing them out or hiding them where Mama wouldn't find them. She wasn't sure how long she stood there, just looking at those bold L's and A's, before she hid them in a drawer under her old paper dolls.


all right guys, there's 3 pgs. be mean, make me cry, make it better. you can do it.